The Trick to Getting the Most Out Of Your Halloween Costumes

Halloween is my favorite holiday, but with four (and sometimes six) kids, costumes can get EXPENSIVE!  Luckily, I’ve learned how to turn Halloween costumes from an expensive, commercialized trick into a year long treat for the children and my pocket book!

Costumes tend to be costly, particularly for what you get in return for your hard earned dollars. A $20-25 costume is often little more than cheap, thin cloth that ties or Velcros at the neck and back. It can’t be washed, tears easily, and provides little warmth on Halloween night, and less usage after.  With a little creativity and ingenuity, however, you can get months of wear from a higher quality costume for the same relative cost.

Here are my best tips for extending costume wear:

1. Use actual clothing in the creation of your costume.  For example, Cady was a scarecrow for her first Halloween!  Using yellow felt, cut in to fringe, and washable craft glue, I glued felt into the cuffs of a pair of jeans and a plaid button up shirt from the baby boy’s department. I added fake patches on the knees and elbows using colored felt and craft glue. Some exaggerated red cheeks and yellow hair paint in her hair, and she was an adorable scare crow. After Halloween, I removed the patches and ‘draw’, washed out the glue, and used the warm outfit throughout the winter.

I’ve done the same for other costumes: a hoodie and sweatpants with felt ‘spikes’ and a tail make an excellent dinosaur. A pink skirt, pink tights, red shirt, pink ears and tail, paired with pink face paint and hairspray make an excellent pepper pig. Pink sweats and a Fluttershy Hoodie make an adorable My Little Pony, and that hoodie will be one from October to May (or blue sweats and a rainbow dash ball cap for Rainbow Dash)! A striped shirt and skirt  plus black and white face paint makes an adorable zebra, plus provides clothes that can be re-worn time and again.

We’ve used this technique for Toothless the dragon, the Heathers from Heathers (often we’ll all pick a theme and go as something from the theme! Great fun!),  countless cats, dogs, and witches, zebras, devils, a cheerleader, and literary characters.  This year, Punkie is using this costume method to play a Possessed Child in a local Haunted Forest attraction!

2. Onesie Pajamas.

These may be the most loved costumes of any as far as my kids are concerned! Pikachu is the favorite, but rainbow dash and elephant are used often too. (Rainbow Dash is the only PJs Cady wears!)
Available at Walmart and target, as well as amazon, these full body fleece pajamas come as favorite characters, including hoods. A little face paint and you’re ready to go.  Best of all, they’re warm and comfortable, and as they tend to run large and are supposed to be baggy, last for years.  All four of my girls have used theirs are pajamas and lounge wear for going on 3 years now, meaning I spent $25 each on four costumes that have been worn hundreds of times!

Regular pajamas work as well! Cady was the cutest “skelebaby” ever, and those jammies kept her warm many nights!

With either option one or two, proper make up and accessories make the costume work. Personally, the spray-able hair paint is key, and proper make up is essential. I prefer actual makeup, like Wet n Wild’s Fantasy collection, over Halloween grease paint. The Paint Pots are fantastic under or over foundation, or all by themselves, and I’m obsessed with the multi stick! It lasts through the night, looks better, and is better for the skin! 

3. High quality costumes.

For those characters that they are obsessed with and already play pretend as often, I don’t mind spending a little money on a high quality, real cloth costume. This privilege is reserved  for Absolute Favorite Characters, however, and never used for generics like “policeman”, “cute puppy”, or “mermaid”. The year that How to Train Your Dragon 2 came out, we splurged and spent $45 on an Astrid costume for Punkie. She’d gone as Toothless the year before (using the same technique as I mentioned for a dinosaur costume, but with wings added and eyes painted onto a black hoodie) and we knew she’d wear it often. She played as Astrid until the costume no longer fit, then gave it to her little sister. Definitely worth $45 for the two years we got out of it!

I use these techniques for myself as well!  Since I'm a photographer, I've bought dresses, high quality costumes, and more for photoshoots that are used several times a year.  My steam punk dress doubles as a pirate dress, and the corsets and petticoats I bought to shoot pinup have been used for pinup, burlesque, and other shoots, and in addition to using the costumes for multiple shoots, I've personally worn everything in my costume closet to various events through out the year!

Additionally, buying items after Halloween like hats, makeup, cloaks and capes, and other accessories allow you to get the pieces that turn next year's sweats or skirt into a ninja or cowboy costume at 75% - 90% off!

With a little creativity and planning, plus some makeup and craft supplies, you can get the most bang for your costume buck, and ensure that your costumes are used throughout the year!

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Kavanaugh, Cosby, and Your Kids

I had promised myself that I wouldn't post another blog until I had something happy or uplifting to write (there are a few waiting in the wings that I haven't posted because they don't meet this requirement).  My goal is never to depress my readers, but to engage and offer optimism at the very least.

I'm breaking that promise.  

The current news cycle, focusing heavily on Judge Brett Kavanaugh (and to a lesser extent the sentencing of Bill Cosby) has brought some thing very important to my attention, and so I feel I must address it. 

Let me begin by saying that, no matter where you stand on Kavanaugh (or Cosby), whether you believe him or his attacker, there are lessons that you, as a parent, sibling, friend, aunt, uncle, or spouse need to learn.  

All week long, at work, in conversation, and on social media, I've encountered the same questions and comments:

• "Why did she wait so long?"
• "It's a conspiracy to take down a good man."
• "His life will be ruined."
• "His good reputation/the good he's done in the world will be tarnished."
• "Why now?"
• "She has no proof"
• "Look at all the people who are speaking on his behalf."
• "She's lying"
• "Why was she at his house/his hotel/a party/there with so many boys?"
• "She was drinking/on drugs. She took the beer/Quaalude.  Am I going to be accused of rape every time I have 'faded' sex?"
• "Why can't she remember who was there/how she got home/other details."

You may have even asked these questions yourself.  You may even think they are completely valid questions. But these questions may be the reason your child or loved one never tells you about their assault.

Let's look at some statistics:

• One in three women experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact violence in their lifetime
• One in six men experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact  or violence in their lifetime
• Up to 30% of victims of unwanted sexual contact or violence experience it before age 18. 
• LESS THAN 40% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported. 
• Only  between 2% and 10% of rape accusations are false. (the most accepted number is 8%)

To break that down, according to the FBI, in 2017, 135,755 rapes were reported. At the high end, 40%, that means that potentially 339,387 rapes occurred. 203632 were UNREPORTED.   Additionally, 33% of women and 16% of men have experienced sexual assault, and 30% before 18.  That means that if you know 9 women, 3 of them have experienced sexual violence, and 1 of them was a child.  That also means there is a 16% chance your daughter will experience it before age 18, and 33% chance it will happen in her life time. There is a 16% your son will experience unwanted sexual contact in his lifetime, possibly as a child.

What you are saying now will determine if your child comes to you when this happens.  You are setting the expectation of if you will believe them, and if you do, if you will blame them.

If your child sees your posts blaming a woman for her rape because she was at a party, or drinking,  will they feel comfortable coming to you and telling you they were assaulted at a party?

If your loved one hears you say repeatedly that women who report are liars, will they think you will believe them?  If you view every story with doubt, how will they trust you not to doubt them?

If  you consistently talk about the accused's reputation, good standing, or bright future, how will your child be comfortable telling you about the "good Christian", the "pillar of the community", that has terrorized them?

If someone is discredited because they waited too long to report, what incentive is there for the adults in your life to open up to you about their own long buried trauma?

If you label every missing detail as a sign of dishonesty, how will they share their story, which their own PTSD has left full of holes, with you?

The only pain greater than assault is the pain of not being believed, or of those you love simply not caring.

I am not advising you to form a death squad every time an accusation is made - "Innocent until proven guilty" in a benchmark of our legal system.  

I am advising you to change your way of speaking about sexual assault. I am asking you to consider all possibilities, to always be open to an investigation, and to, above all, to listen before you speak, even when what you are hearing makes you uncomfortable. Hold your disbelief.  

When you listen to the stories of others, with the intent to understand, you show your loved ones that you are willing to listen to them as well, when they are ready to tell you. 

If you have been a victim of attempted or completed sexual violence, or assault, there are people who believe you.  Please contact Rainn to speak to someone via confidential chat at https://www.rainn.org/ or via phone at 800.656.4673.  

You are loved. You are believed. This is not your fault. 

Links: 

http://nwvu.org/2018-sexual-assault-awareness-month-statistics-and-theme/

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-news-number-rapes-reported-rises-20180924-story.html

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#loveblog: Strengthening Your Marriage When You're Growing Different Directions.

Growing apart isn't always a bad thing.

This week, I discovered that I accidently like a Justin Bieber song.  For a Green Day and Metallica loving, combat boot wearing, punk mom, that's a horrifying realization. (I'm turning red just typing this.)

As I wondered about this horrible change in events, I started thinking back to when J and I first met, and I listened to as much Country music (Redneck Woman, anyone?) as I did rock, and how now I cringe if a country song invades my ears while scanning channels.

It's such a little thing, but it makes me think of CHANGE, and how much changing J and I have both done. From our music to our religious view points, we've changed in many ways big and small.  And not always in the same direction (I swear he listens to MORE country than he did ten years ago!)

Change can be scary when not handled right.  Roads can deviate too far, and sometimes you find yourself on a completely different path from the person you're supposed to be walking beside.

It takes work to walk the same path, when your interests are changing. It's not as easy to find something to talk about or something fun to do when you want to shop, and he wants to play video games. It takes work.

It can be so easy to go your own way, and to let laziness set it. It's easy to limit your conversations to the kids, work, bills. It's less easy to embrace your changes, and use them to grow together.

Keys to strengthening your marriage when you're changing:

1. Give a Little.  Maybe he loves video games.  Maybe you don't.  Find a way to make it work.  For us, I found a part of the games that I was good at, and looked for a few games with story lines I could at least tolerate.  Now, when he plays one of those games, I have specific 'jobs' that allow me to interact and discuss the game with him.  For example, the Fall Out series has a part where you have to hack into a password locked computer. I excel at this. Every time he comes to this part, even though he can do it himself, he calls my attention to it, so I can participate.
2. Take a Little. When J and I got together, he wasn't a huge baseball fan. I was.  He gave in and went to a few games with me.  Now, even though he doesn't enjoy it as much as I do, he does enjoy them, and baseball has become something we can share.
3. Compromise. I'm not a huge fan of actually going to a movie.  Sitting still that long, around that many people, is not my thing. I AM a fan of horror films, sports movies, and superhero flicks.  We compromise: We go to those types of movies together.  The ones I'm less interested in, he goes to along. This lets me be just as excited about the movie experience as he is.
4. Give it a Try.  Just like baseball, there are many things that one of us, or the other, has learned to enjoy just because we've done it a few times. Sometimes, familiarity breeds contentment.
5. Do it for Love.  I hate video game shopping. He hates shoe shopping. We love each other.  So, sometimes, we'll go shoe shopping, followed by video game shopping,  knowing that, at some point in the process, we will each be bored.  Seeing the other one happy tends to over ride the boredom.
6. Look for things to Talk about.  There HAS to be common ground.   We don't share shopping and video games, but we do share an interest in religion, so one or the other of us is always looking at articles on religion, new books, etc.  This allows us to have conversations that don't revolve around home, work, or money.
7. Embrace your Changes.  Sometimes, because of our mutual interest in religion, we have differing opinions.  We don't fight that - we embrace it.  A good, well-thought-out, intelligent debate between intelligent, open-minded individuals is fun and stimulating, in lots of ways! Some keys to making this work:

• Keep it polite. No name calling. 
• Be respectful.
• Listen.
• Don't interrupt. 
• Be open minded.

Growing apart isn't always a bad thing. It can make you stronger.  Tree branches grow apart, but they thrive because the roots are firmly planted together.

ū

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10 Things No One Ever Tells You About Kinship Care

10 Things You Should Know About Raising a Relative's Kids

You should really know this

No one really talks about kinship care, even though almost 7.8 million children live with family members who are not their parents.  That's a huge group to have almost nothing said about it.

When we became the guardians of Trey and Chell, we assumed, as many do, that it would be fairly straight forward.  The state wanted us to take them. We were family. Their mom gave us guardianship.  I talked to someone from the Department of Child Protective Services in our state for some information, I spoke to the cps worker and the court clerk in their state, I figured I knew what I needed, and someone could walk me through the rest.

I was wrong.

Here are the things no one tells you about Kinship Care (but that you really ought to know):

1. Every situation is different.  You can't work off general knowledge, or situational information.  You need to have an in-depth consultation with everyone involved.
2. Not every state has the same laws, and they don't always work together.  The form we needed in Arizona doesn't exist in Oklahoma, for example.
3. Not having the proper forms, paperwork, and signatures can be detrimental.  Without the proper forms, in all applicable locations, you may not be able to provide kids with the help they need, or protect them from being returned to a less than ideal living situation.
4. You may not qualify for assistance from the state. Many of the programs available to parents aren't available for guardians.  Furthermore, you may not qualify for financial reasons.  In our situation, we were doing ok raising 4 kids, but adding two additional kids creates a financial burden.  Our combined income, however, puts us at about $300 a month above assistance guidelines as a family, despite the increase in expenses being far greater than that.  If we were foster parents, this guideline would not apply, but  because we qualify as relative care, foster assistance is not available.
5. DHS workers may  not know what programs are available, or how to provide them. The Title IV-E Guardianship Assistance  guidelines are supposed to enable kinship care families to receive additional assistance under the same guidelines as foster families, but in many cases, dhs workers are unfamiliar with this program, or how to provide the assistance available.
6. You need a lawyer.  The kinship care process is complex, and there are many details.  At the very least, you should consult with a lawyer.  Having legal advice can prevent many pitfalls such as having the wrong forms!
7. It's HARD.  It's hard on the kids coming into your home - they may feel abandoned.  They may be confused.  They may have been abused.  There may be emotional and behavioral problems.   It's hard on your kids, who are now adjusting to sharing you with more children.  They may feel as if you are paying more attention to the more kids.  They may act out because of it.  It's hard on you, financially, physically, and mentally.  You may feel more stress as you try to balance work, home, and the dynamic of the blended family.  You may be financially strapped. You may have to move, change jobs, or quit a job.  You may have long term legal issues to deal with.
8. It's REWARDING.  You grow to love the new additions to your family. You feel pride as the blossom and grow.  Every success is a milestone.  You take joy in seeing your own children shows love and compassion for those who were once interlopers.
9. It's OK to say NO.  Kinship care isn't for everyone.  Recently, a friend confided that she was asked to take in a relative's child. She desperately wanted to, but she knew it wasn't best for her family, her kids, her marriage, or her health.  In her situation, it wasn't feasible.  She was ostracized by some family members for a while.  I want to tell her, and anyone else in this situation, that it is ok to say no.  Kinship care is NOT a weekend at the lake. It's not a trip to the zoo.  It's months or even years of devotion and dedication to another human being.  It's not fair to the family or the child to take in a child if it isn't in their best interest.  That isn't something that someone else can decide for you.  So, hold your head up high, and be at peace knowing that you considered it, and you made the right choice for you.
10. But it's OK to say Yes, too. 
12. 
    

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The Always Present Danger

The Hidden Danger In Your Medicine Cabinet

As parents, we teach our children to avoid drugs. We warn them about pot, meth, coke. We warn

them about tobacco and alcohol.  We have D.A.R.E and we talk about the drugs in health class.  We think of dealers in dark alley ways, packets of coke smuggled in by mules, cartels streaming across borders.  What we don't talk about are the dangers hiding in our own medicine cabinets.

The Human Aspect

In 2014, there were over 47,000 deaths from Prescription drug overdose.  That is 1 1/2 times the number of deaths from car accident.

This epidemic has had a personal impact on our family.  In 2008, we lost my step-father to an accidental overdose of pain medication.  In 2011, we lost my niece to an overdose of oxycotin. Recently, we lost my brother in law.  


For us, the numbers aren't just statistics - they are names.  They are grandchildren who will never go fishing with a grandfather.  They are college dreams and senior proms and graduations and marriages that will never happen.  They are small children growing up with out a parent. They are grieving parents, siblings, spouses, children, and friends.

The Risk Factors

According to the CDC:

Research shows that some risk factors make people particularly vulnerable to prescription painkiller abuse and overdose, including:

•   Obtaining overlapping prescriptions from multiple providers and pharmacies.^1,2,3,4
• Taking high daily dosages of prescription painkillers.^2,5,6,7
• Having mental illness or a history of alcohol or other substance abuse.⁸
• Living in rural areas and having low income.

Medicaid Patients

• Inappropriate provider prescribing practices and patient use are substantially higher among Medicaid patients than among privately insured patients.
• In one study based on 2010 data, 40% of Medicaid enrollees with painkiller prescriptions had at least one indicator of potentially inappropriate use or prescribing:⁹
  • overlapping painkiller prescriptions
  • overlapping painkiller and benzodiazepine prescriptions
  • long-acting or extended release prescription painkillers for acute pain and high daily doses  ("What the Public Needs to Know about the Epidemic")

Prevention

There are some steps that one can take to help prevent misuse or abuse:

Courtesy of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

  

Talk with your doctor about:

• The risks of prescription painkillers and other ways to manage your pain.
• Making a plan on when and how to stop, if a choice is made to use prescription painkillers.

Use prescription painkillers only as instructed by your doctor.

Store prescription painkillers in a safe place and out of reach of others.

Help prevent misuse and abuse by not selling or sharing prescription painkillers. Never use another person's prescription painkillers. ("What the Public Needs to Know about the Epidemic")

Also, when disposing of old, expired, or unneeded medications, there are prescription disposal locations in most communities.  However, if there is not one in your community, follow these steps:

1. Remove the label from the bottle. 
2. Do not flush the medication, as it will enter the water system. 
3. Instead, pour the medication into a ziplock bag. 
4. Crush it (if in pill or tablet form), and add hot water to dissolve the medication. 
5. Empty coffee grounds into the mixture as well, to make it unappetizing to both humans and animals, and dispose of the bag in the trash.

The Warning Signs

The Mayo Clinic provides the following as signs of drug abuse:

Stealing, forging or selling prescriptions

Taking higher doses than prescribed

Excessive mood swings or hostility

Increase or decrease in sleep

Poor decision-making

Appearing to be high, unusually energetic or revved up, or sedated

Continually "losing" prescriptions, so more prescriptions must be written

Seeking prescriptions from more than one doctor  ("Prescription drug abuse")

Seeing this signs in a friend or relative may indicate a cause for concern.

What To Do If  You Suspect Abuse

If you suspect drug abuse by a friend or loved one, your support will be important.  You may contact medical professionals, treatment groups, or agencies such as drugabuse.gov to seek additional information.  While you can not force someone to seek treatment in most cases without seeking the aid of the court, you can provide support and incentives for them to do so.

Additionally, if you suspect a loved one of having a problem, seek out counseling services to assist you in dealing with the aftermath and effect, as it can be very stressful for those associated with the addict as well.

1-800-662-HELP (4357) is a fantastic service from the Department of Human Services for those battling addiction, and for their loved ones.

What the Public Needs to Know about the Epidemic." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 5 May 2015. Web. 16 Jan. 2016.

"Prescription Drug Abuse." Symptoms. Web. 16 Jan. 2016.

 

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Jada Pinkett Smith Is My Parenting Spirit Animal

Why I Mom-Stalk Jada.

I love Jada Pinkett Smith. I mom-stalk her.  I lap up everything she says about parenting, mothering, marriage, like a kitten laps milk. She speaks to me. I swear, she's my spirit animal.

But...her kids are so weird....

I see this a lot on social media,  on other blogs .... people

Not my Meme.

don't get Jaden and Willow. They talk about time travel, they cross dress, they shave their heads. 

This is what Jada does best. She allows her children to exist, to experiment, and to be themselves, regardless of what the world seems to think. (For the record, I think that her kids are often misunderstood and misrepresented by the media, but perhaps this is because my own kids are 'weird'.)

A Little Support Here?

I fell in mom-love with Jada when Willow shaved her head. 

I know what you're thinking: "What!?! She let her kid shave her head, like Crazy Britney, and you're OK with that?!?"

No, I'm not OK with it. I love it.  I was the kid in school who cut her hair for a school play, who once lopped off 14 inches of hair because I was bored. I've always felt that it's just hair.

When my 5 yr old wanted to put red streaks in her hair, I was all for it. I thought, "It's just hair, and furthermore, it's HER hair, not mine."

But everyone else thought I was crazy. I started to second guess myself.

Then Jada said this about Willow's hair. And I thought, "Hey, I'm not wrong about this! Finally, a little support!"  Punk has added a new color to her hair every time I dye mine (which is a lot), and she's thrilled, everyone has gotten used to it, and she learned that her body, and her choices matter.

When my nephew decides to wear his cousin's Anna Costume to play Frozen with the girls, and I don't freak out, I know Jada would agree. When people in Walmart give me dirty looks for telling the kids there are no girls' toys or boys' toys, there are just toys, or there are no boy's colors or girl's colors, there are just colors, I know Jada would have my back. 

Finding balance

The video at the top of this post is old -2012- but the

My spirit-animal looks amazing here.

message holds true, and is one that a lot of people need to hear even today.  Thanks, Jada. Thanks for reminding us that we matter, we have the right to be happy, and that in being happy, fulfilled, and complete, we become better mothers, better wives, and better people.

Who is your parenting spirit animal? Shout it out in the comments below.

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