The Trick to Getting the Most Out Of Your Halloween Costumes

Halloween is my favorite holiday, but with four (and sometimes six) kids, costumes can get EXPENSIVE!  Luckily, I’ve learned how to turn Halloween costumes from an expensive, commercialized trick into a year long treat for the children and my pocket book!

Costumes tend to be costly, particularly for what you get in return for your hard earned dollars. A $20-25 costume is often little more than cheap, thin cloth that ties or Velcros at the neck and back. It can’t be washed, tears easily, and provides little warmth on Halloween night, and less usage after.  With a little creativity and ingenuity, however, you can get months of wear from a higher quality costume for the same relative cost.

Here are my best tips for extending costume wear:

1. Use actual clothing in the creation of your costume.  For example, Cady was a scarecrow for her first Halloween!  Using yellow felt, cut in to fringe, and washable craft glue, I glued felt into the cuffs of a pair of jeans and a plaid button up shirt from the baby boy’s department. I added fake patches on the knees and elbows using colored felt and craft glue. Some exaggerated red cheeks and yellow hair paint in her hair, and she was an adorable scare crow. After Halloween, I removed the patches and ‘draw’, washed out the glue, and used the warm outfit throughout the winter.

I’ve done the same for other costumes: a hoodie and sweatpants with felt ‘spikes’ and a tail make an excellent dinosaur. A pink skirt, pink tights, red shirt, pink ears and tail, paired with pink face paint and hairspray make an excellent pepper pig. Pink sweats and a Fluttershy Hoodie make an adorable My Little Pony, and that hoodie will be one from October to May (or blue sweats and a rainbow dash ball cap for Rainbow Dash)! A striped shirt and skirt  plus black and white face paint makes an adorable zebra, plus provides clothes that can be re-worn time and again.

We’ve used this technique for Toothless the dragon, the Heathers from Heathers (often we’ll all pick a theme and go as something from the theme! Great fun!),  countless cats, dogs, and witches, zebras, devils, a cheerleader, and literary characters.  This year, Punkie is using this costume method to play a Possessed Child in a local Haunted Forest attraction!

2. Onesie Pajamas.

These may be the most loved costumes of any as far as my kids are concerned! Pikachu is the favorite, but rainbow dash and elephant are used often too. (Rainbow Dash is the only PJs Cady wears!)
Available at Walmart and target, as well as amazon, these full body fleece pajamas come as favorite characters, including hoods. A little face paint and you’re ready to go.  Best of all, they’re warm and comfortable, and as they tend to run large and are supposed to be baggy, last for years.  All four of my girls have used theirs are pajamas and lounge wear for going on 3 years now, meaning I spent $25 each on four costumes that have been worn hundreds of times!

Regular pajamas work as well! Cady was the cutest “skelebaby” ever, and those jammies kept her warm many nights!

With either option one or two, proper make up and accessories make the costume work. Personally, the spray-able hair paint is key, and proper make up is essential. I prefer actual makeup, like Wet n Wild’s Fantasy collection, over Halloween grease paint. The Paint Pots are fantastic under or over foundation, or all by themselves, and I’m obsessed with the multi stick! It lasts through the night, looks better, and is better for the skin! 

3. High quality costumes.

For those characters that they are obsessed with and already play pretend as often, I don’t mind spending a little money on a high quality, real cloth costume. This privilege is reserved  for Absolute Favorite Characters, however, and never used for generics like “policeman”, “cute puppy”, or “mermaid”. The year that How to Train Your Dragon 2 came out, we splurged and spent $45 on an Astrid costume for Punkie. She’d gone as Toothless the year before (using the same technique as I mentioned for a dinosaur costume, but with wings added and eyes painted onto a black hoodie) and we knew she’d wear it often. She played as Astrid until the costume no longer fit, then gave it to her little sister. Definitely worth $45 for the two years we got out of it!

I use these techniques for myself as well!  Since I'm a photographer, I've bought dresses, high quality costumes, and more for photoshoots that are used several times a year.  My steam punk dress doubles as a pirate dress, and the corsets and petticoats I bought to shoot pinup have been used for pinup, burlesque, and other shoots, and in addition to using the costumes for multiple shoots, I've personally worn everything in my costume closet to various events through out the year!

Additionally, buying items after Halloween like hats, makeup, cloaks and capes, and other accessories allow you to get the pieces that turn next year's sweats or skirt into a ninja or cowboy costume at 75% - 90% off!

With a little creativity and planning, plus some makeup and craft supplies, you can get the most bang for your costume buck, and ensure that your costumes are used throughout the year!

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Kavanaugh, Cosby, and Your Kids

I had promised myself that I wouldn't post another blog until I had something happy or uplifting to write (there are a few waiting in the wings that I haven't posted because they don't meet this requirement).  My goal is never to depress my readers, but to engage and offer optimism at the very least.

I'm breaking that promise.  

The current news cycle, focusing heavily on Judge Brett Kavanaugh (and to a lesser extent the sentencing of Bill Cosby) has brought some thing very important to my attention, and so I feel I must address it. 

Let me begin by saying that, no matter where you stand on Kavanaugh (or Cosby), whether you believe him or his attacker, there are lessons that you, as a parent, sibling, friend, aunt, uncle, or spouse need to learn.  

All week long, at work, in conversation, and on social media, I've encountered the same questions and comments:

• "Why did she wait so long?"
• "It's a conspiracy to take down a good man."
• "His life will be ruined."
• "His good reputation/the good he's done in the world will be tarnished."
• "Why now?"
• "She has no proof"
• "Look at all the people who are speaking on his behalf."
• "She's lying"
• "Why was she at his house/his hotel/a party/there with so many boys?"
• "She was drinking/on drugs. She took the beer/Quaalude.  Am I going to be accused of rape every time I have 'faded' sex?"
• "Why can't she remember who was there/how she got home/other details."

You may have even asked these questions yourself.  You may even think they are completely valid questions. But these questions may be the reason your child or loved one never tells you about their assault.

Let's look at some statistics:

• One in three women experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact violence in their lifetime
• One in six men experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact  or violence in their lifetime
• Up to 30% of victims of unwanted sexual contact or violence experience it before age 18. 
• LESS THAN 40% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported. 
• Only  between 2% and 10% of rape accusations are false. (the most accepted number is 8%)

To break that down, according to the FBI, in 2017, 135,755 rapes were reported. At the high end, 40%, that means that potentially 339,387 rapes occurred. 203632 were UNREPORTED.   Additionally, 33% of women and 16% of men have experienced sexual assault, and 30% before 18.  That means that if you know 9 women, 3 of them have experienced sexual violence, and 1 of them was a child.  That also means there is a 16% chance your daughter will experience it before age 18, and 33% chance it will happen in her life time. There is a 16% your son will experience unwanted sexual contact in his lifetime, possibly as a child.

What you are saying now will determine if your child comes to you when this happens.  You are setting the expectation of if you will believe them, and if you do, if you will blame them.

If your child sees your posts blaming a woman for her rape because she was at a party, or drinking,  will they feel comfortable coming to you and telling you they were assaulted at a party?

If your loved one hears you say repeatedly that women who report are liars, will they think you will believe them?  If you view every story with doubt, how will they trust you not to doubt them?

If  you consistently talk about the accused's reputation, good standing, or bright future, how will your child be comfortable telling you about the "good Christian", the "pillar of the community", that has terrorized them?

If someone is discredited because they waited too long to report, what incentive is there for the adults in your life to open up to you about their own long buried trauma?

If you label every missing detail as a sign of dishonesty, how will they share their story, which their own PTSD has left full of holes, with you?

The only pain greater than assault is the pain of not being believed, or of those you love simply not caring.

I am not advising you to form a death squad every time an accusation is made - "Innocent until proven guilty" in a benchmark of our legal system.  

I am advising you to change your way of speaking about sexual assault. I am asking you to consider all possibilities, to always be open to an investigation, and to, above all, to listen before you speak, even when what you are hearing makes you uncomfortable. Hold your disbelief.  

When you listen to the stories of others, with the intent to understand, you show your loved ones that you are willing to listen to them as well, when they are ready to tell you. 

If you have been a victim of attempted or completed sexual violence, or assault, there are people who believe you.  Please contact Rainn to speak to someone via confidential chat at https://www.rainn.org/ or via phone at 800.656.4673.  

You are loved. You are believed. This is not your fault. 

Links: 

http://nwvu.org/2018-sexual-assault-awareness-month-statistics-and-theme/

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-news-number-rapes-reported-rises-20180924-story.html

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Sticky Notes & Blank Boxes

I had this great planner post planned for y’all, talking about how much I love my Happy Planner and how helpful it’s been in helping me at least somewhat control the chaos and how I use the pretty stickers I’ve found and/or made and the usefulness of sticky notes (you know the kind- you’ve seen a thousand of them!), but it didn’t end up working out the way if planned (much like everything else in my life!)

You see, as I was getting ready to get pictures and adding my pain tracker stickers I made, I was becoming upset at how many “boxes” of things I’d put in the calendar to be done were left unfinished at the end of the week.  I was feeling rather unaccomplished, and down on myself, and was going to scrap the post, when I realized that I was ignoring the REAL post hiding in my planner!

Y’all, it’s so easy to be hard on ourselves. It’s easy to look at what hasn’t been accomplished and let the ugly voice in our heads tell us we’re failures, but maybe THAT is my lesson to learn today.

This week, there have been several days where I have run out of spoons. Pain and exhaustion have just gotten the best of me, and most of my tasks have remained undone.

But there’s plenty that has been done. 

I know that, when my AS is flaring up, I have to limit myself. I can cook AND clean, but if I do that, I can’t go to work. Or, I can go to work AND cook dinner, but I can’t clean. I know, that at the most, I can accomplish 2 of these things, but almost never all three.  It’s not plausible, and attempting to do so can derail the entire week.

One way that I’ve unintentionally built this flexibility into my planner is via the use of sticky notes.  Priority tasks  and inflexible tasks, like work, for example, are inked into my planner in the correct color. Less high priority tasks, like craft projects, and tasks with some flexibility, like cleaning under the sofa, are put on sticky notes.  This allows me a certain flexibility. Didn’t get the ironing done Monday? Move the sticky note to Wednesday. 

Arg!  Not a single "check box" checked!  That's ok!  Move it to another day!

It’s important not to be too hard on ourselves.  It’s important to acknowledge our successes, while tackling our failures.  As my health is often fragile, I have to remind myself to prioritize, and to give myself time and rest. 

Sometimes, we need to allow ourselves some sticky notes and blank boxes in life’s calendar. 

How do you build flexibility into your life?

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The Benefits of Friendship

Ladies and gentlemen, there are very few things in the world with more value than a good friend. Whether a pen pal from across the country, the neighbor next door, or someone a few hours down the road, having someone who you can talk to can be the difference between surviving in life, and life being enjoyable.

I am blessed with great friends! My friend. Shelby, for example, is a first rate make up artist and hair stylist. Twice now she’s driven hours to do my make up for an event, or, tonight, to whip up a fun new color, cut, and style for my hair, free of charge!  I am FEELING the love.

And, according to research, all the love I feel from my friends can have long term, life altering benefits! 

According to Psychology Today, friends are important to our development and mental health. Among the impact friends have on us, friends support you, help define your priorities, and help you feel less lonely.  Friends help us develop as children, find our place as teens, and navigate the trials of life as adults. 

Additional research shows that having friends can lessen risk of death in cancer patients and people with heart conditions, and increase longevity. A 2006 study shows that women suffering breast cancer are 4 times as likely to survive if they have a circle of close friends, regardless of how close they live to those friends. In fact, friends are more important to the success rates of cancer survivors than even family or spouses, making friendships some of the most important relationships of your life!  Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro says of her research on friendships, “Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.”

My BFF Shelby - Isn't she GORGEOUS?!?

For me, the psychological benefit is almost always instantaneous. When I’m in a foul mood, texting a friend or writing a letter can lighten it. When I’m stressed, my friends can usually get me laughing to help reduce my stress. 

And in a truly bad month, a friend going out of her way to let me know she cares can be the best medicine of all.

Who is your best friend? What impact do they have on your life? Let me know in the comments!

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10 Things No One Ever Tells You About Kinship Care

10 Things You Should Know About Raising a Relative's Kids

You should really know this

No one really talks about kinship care, even though almost 7.8 million children live with family members who are not their parents.  That's a huge group to have almost nothing said about it.

When we became the guardians of Trey and Chell, we assumed, as many do, that it would be fairly straight forward.  The state wanted us to take them. We were family. Their mom gave us guardianship.  I talked to someone from the Department of Child Protective Services in our state for some information, I spoke to the cps worker and the court clerk in their state, I figured I knew what I needed, and someone could walk me through the rest.

I was wrong.

Here are the things no one tells you about Kinship Care (but that you really ought to know):

1. Every situation is different.  You can't work off general knowledge, or situational information.  You need to have an in-depth consultation with everyone involved.
2. Not every state has the same laws, and they don't always work together.  The form we needed in Arizona doesn't exist in Oklahoma, for example.
3. Not having the proper forms, paperwork, and signatures can be detrimental.  Without the proper forms, in all applicable locations, you may not be able to provide kids with the help they need, or protect them from being returned to a less than ideal living situation.
4. You may not qualify for assistance from the state. Many of the programs available to parents aren't available for guardians.  Furthermore, you may not qualify for financial reasons.  In our situation, we were doing ok raising 4 kids, but adding two additional kids creates a financial burden.  Our combined income, however, puts us at about $300 a month above assistance guidelines as a family, despite the increase in expenses being far greater than that.  If we were foster parents, this guideline would not apply, but  because we qualify as relative care, foster assistance is not available.
5. DHS workers may  not know what programs are available, or how to provide them. The Title IV-E Guardianship Assistance  guidelines are supposed to enable kinship care families to receive additional assistance under the same guidelines as foster families, but in many cases, dhs workers are unfamiliar with this program, or how to provide the assistance available.
6. You need a lawyer.  The kinship care process is complex, and there are many details.  At the very least, you should consult with a lawyer.  Having legal advice can prevent many pitfalls such as having the wrong forms!
7. It's HARD.  It's hard on the kids coming into your home - they may feel abandoned.  They may be confused.  They may have been abused.  There may be emotional and behavioral problems.   It's hard on your kids, who are now adjusting to sharing you with more children.  They may feel as if you are paying more attention to the more kids.  They may act out because of it.  It's hard on you, financially, physically, and mentally.  You may feel more stress as you try to balance work, home, and the dynamic of the blended family.  You may be financially strapped. You may have to move, change jobs, or quit a job.  You may have long term legal issues to deal with.
8. It's REWARDING.  You grow to love the new additions to your family. You feel pride as the blossom and grow.  Every success is a milestone.  You take joy in seeing your own children shows love and compassion for those who were once interlopers.
9. It's OK to say NO.  Kinship care isn't for everyone.  Recently, a friend confided that she was asked to take in a relative's child. She desperately wanted to, but she knew it wasn't best for her family, her kids, her marriage, or her health.  In her situation, it wasn't feasible.  She was ostracized by some family members for a while.  I want to tell her, and anyone else in this situation, that it is ok to say no.  Kinship care is NOT a weekend at the lake. It's not a trip to the zoo.  It's months or even years of devotion and dedication to another human being.  It's not fair to the family or the child to take in a child if it isn't in their best interest.  That isn't something that someone else can decide for you.  So, hold your head up high, and be at peace knowing that you considered it, and you made the right choice for you.
10. But it's OK to say Yes, too. 
12. 
    

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Turning the "Me-Can'ts" into the "I Cans"

Instilling confidence in your kids

Yes, you can!

The little girls are doing glitter-art while I fix lunch. Cay has already unleashed a flood of glitter onto her paper, when all of a sudden, I hear her utter the  dreaded "me-can't".

"Mommy, Me-Can't do it!"

But I know she can, because she's been doing it for several minutes.

Life as a kid is hard!

The Reality of Childhood

Contrary to what we adults would like to believe, childhood isn't a beautiful, worry free existence full  of juice boxes, fingerpaints, and naps (beautiful, glorious naps).  Childhood is hard.  Childhood is full of adventures, and misadventures. It's testing boundaries - physical, mental, and societal.  Childhood includes a lot of trial and errors, bumps and bruises, and lots of failures.
It's learning to walk and falling off bikes, and lots of failures before successes.

Beware the Me-Can'ts !

We have to help them get on the bike again.

With so many bikes to fall off of, so many strikes instead of home runs, so many things to learn and things to be bad at, it can be tempting for a child to stop trying and just say, "Me Can't!"

"I can't solve this problem, it's too hard."
"I can't be her friend, my friends will tease me." 
"I can't say no, or they won't like me."

That's where we, as parents, have to step in, and do our jobs.  We have to teach them how to say, "I can!"

Instilling confidence in our kids is our biggest gift to them.  Confidence enables them to be kind when those around them are being cruel, it enables them to stand their ground and say no when others are saying yes.  It enables them to  get back on the bike. 

How to Turn "Me-Can'ts" into "I Cans"

There are some simple steps to turn those "Me-can'ts" into "I cans".

1. Gauge the situation.  Is this something the child legitimately can do at this stage, or are they being pushed into territory that doesn't allow them success?   It is reasonable to expect the average toddler to pour a bowl of cereal, but not to prepare a 3 course meal.  Set reasonable expectations.   Pushing a child past their actual limits can guarantee failure, and reinforce the idea of "can't".


2. Determine the cause of the  "Can't".  Is your child saying she can't  because she doesn't have the skill, or because she doesn't know how?  Perhaps you can sit with her and give her simple directions and encouragement.  Is he saying he can't because he lacks confidence?  Try doing it together the first time to boost his confidence a little.  Maybe he's scared to try something new.  The Monkey Bars seem high, or he's afraid he might fall off the playground.  Show him why it's safe, or what safety measures there are to keep him from falling. Perhaps she just wants a little attention.  As the parent of 6 children, I am especially guilty of multitasking, which robs the kids of the one on one time they need. Cay, especially, uses "Me-Can't" as a way to get mom's attention. I can usually overcome this "Me-Can't" by sitting with Cay, paying her some extra attention, mixed with extra praise, until her mommy-cup is full, and she is happy to play without me again.





Repeat after me: "This is OK"



3. Allow some room for failure. Accept that there will be mistakes, and let that be ok.  This one was hard for me to learn, especially as the number of children increased.  It was hard for me to accept that my way wasn't the only way.  Once I relaxed and let the kids do things that way, we were all happier.  I realized that it's ok if the glitter snowflakes are messy, if the tie-dye looks more like a mud-pie, and if their hands have more paint than their pictures.  In accepting that, I made it ok for them to be perfectly imperfect.  By allowing failure to happen, kids become less afraid of failure, which gives them more chances to succeed.


4. Reinforce the "Can".  Offer Praise and encouragement.   Celebrate the little successes, so that they have the confidence to go after the big ones.  Remind them of the great job they are doing.


5. Be there for support.  Be there, nearby, to offer encouragement, and a sense of safety, but don't do it for them.  Demonstrate once, then turn it over to them. Doing it for them reinforces the idea that they can't do it, and rewards them for lazy behavior.  It teaches them that, if they can't do it, Mom or Dad will.  This undermines their confidence, as they never have a chance to succeed on their own.

"Mommy, I DID IT!"

"Yes, you can, Cay-Cay," I replied as I stood next to her. "Look how pretty it is!   You're doing a great job!  What color do you want next?"

I opened the purple glitter and watched intently as she worked, until I got the feeling she no longer needed me.

A few minutes later, I heard her call me again, "Mommy, I did it, all by myself!!"

Ahhhh... the blessed "I can".

What do you do to instill confidence and turn your kids' "Me-Can'ts" into "I Cans"?

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Awesome Mom: Small Victories in the World of Parenting

The time I became the Awesome Mom

Today, I discovered that, in my daughter's circle of friends, I'm the awesome mom.


My interest was piqued. In my experience, growing up, the 'cool' mom was the one who let her kids drink, smoke, hold raucous parties, and stay out all night. I don't allow any of that.

I had to know.

What, exactly, makes an awesome mom?

I'm feeling myself today

• According to D, all of her friends think I'm pretty (I've never considered myself more than cute). Superficial, perhaps, but  I let myself bask in it for a few moments.

• I'm pro-gay-rights. Apparently, my refusal to touch a chikfila scored big points, along with my willingness to perform gay marriages.

Score one for civil rights

• I don't care what color her hair is, as long as it doesn't get her kicked out of school, even though I don't think hair color has ANY impact on learning.

Self-expression: Jada would be proud

Restrictions? Who knew?!?

Mostly, though, I care.

According to D, it matters that I let my children express them selves (i.e. " You let me wear whatevs"), but I don't allow anything illegal or harmful.

I'm pleased to know that, amongst the list of things that modern teenagers consider awesome, a parent who cares and has restrictions is awesome.

Getting it right? Victory!

Just give me my star already

I think, as parents, we all question if we are doing the right things, if we are doing well. Especially in the turbulent teenage years. While I've never thought my daughters hated me, I've wondered if, perhaps I've failed to given them all of myself, or if they resented my long hours, the additional children, or my brash ways and outspoken style.










It's wonderful to know that, for the time being at least, I'm an awesome mom. (Jada would be so proud!)

Yup, this is pretty much what it felt like

What were your Parenting Victories this week?

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Dealing With The State: Who's Your Daddy?

I can feel the tension spreading across my back - always carry tension in my back and shoulders - and the pain from the ensuing muscle spasms makes it hard to breathe. My head hurts. I'm. Emotionally exhausted. I've been reduced to tears of frustration at least once today, and waves of helplessness and hopelessness have crashed over me through out the day.

Fostering, or what ever it is I'm doing, is never easy. There are countless struggles and pitfalls, but none are as debilitating as dealing with The State.


 Dealing with the state is like being tossed in a deep, dark labyrinth. You don't where to turn, there's no one to trust, and some where not too far off, you hear a minotaur.

k

When we got Trey and Chel, we were so focused on doing what was right for the kids, that we rushed in blind. We were told we had only a week to pick them up. We assumed someone from one state or the other would be there to assist us. We didn't have time or money for a lawyer. With weeks, we discovered we'd discovered that this was a huge mistake. We've been punished for it ever since.

Today's ordeal centered around child support, or lack thereof.

Kids Need Structure

Because of Trey's behavioral problems, associated with severe ADHD, he sees a behavioral therapist. Her evaluation is that he needs a structured educational setting, but he's too young for school.




Because Arizona "dropped the ball" (aka didn't give a damn about those kids), they are put under my income, and qualify for none of the assistance foster kids usually get. Arizona has never called to check up on them, never inquired on their progress, never returned a single one of the countless calls placed to them seeking assistance in getting these children the aid they need to grow and become happy and successful. The state of OK finally agreed to place them in day care three days days a week (though the daycare was woefully incapable of assisting them).


ii




Then, this happened.

Who's Your Daddy?

Last month, they sent me letters of "non-compliance" from the Child Support division. I advised that I did not know who the fathers were, and that kids are my niece and nephew, and I hadn't been there for conception.


Apparently, my lack of knowledge was construed as lack of cooperation.
  
I called back to find out how to correct the problem, and was told that they couldn't even find the account because they don't have the father's name!

We've found ourselves back at square one: Making too much money to get into a good Headstart program, which is necessary for controlling Trey's ADHD and ensuring his success in school next year. Making too little money to afford the level of help he needs on our own. Wandering endlessly in this twisting, turning maze, fearing the minotaur.

Have you ever dealt with the state? Do you have experience fostering?

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#SundayFunday: Miniature Bird Houses

A Cute birthday birdhouses

An easy, inexpensive craft project for kids




This inexpensive bird hose and some paint make a great kid's project



Grampy's birthday is next weekend, so we decided to make birthday presents for #SundayFunday.  Gramps is an avid birdwatcher, and a huge Dallas Cowboys fan, so we whipped up some mini birdhouses, in blue, white, and grey.

These birdhouses can be found in Walmart in the craft aisle, or get a dozen in bulk straight to your door from Amazon.   The paints are also available from Walmart or from amazon - we chose patio and outdoor paint.


The project itself was pretty straight forward and easy, so in general, I would let the kids paint them as they pleased, but today, the big kids and I provided slightly more supervision.

Using our Dallas colored paint, we painted our birdhouses appropriate colors.

For an additional personal touch, I painted each kid's hand in a contrasting color, and placed it on the back, side, or roof of the house.

We then allowed the houses to dry.  For houses that will be exposed to the elements, it is suggested that you follow up with a clear coat varnish or protestant.

I'd love to see your completed birdhouses! Share them in the comments below!

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