Growing apart isn't always a bad thing.
This week, I discovered that I accidently like a Justin Bieber song. For a Green Day and Metallica loving, combat boot wearing, punk mom, that's a horrifying realization. (I'm turning red just typing this.)
As I wondered about this horrible change in events, I started thinking back to when J and I first met, and I listened to as much Country music (Redneck Woman, anyone?) as I did rock, and how now I cringe if a country song invades my ears while scanning channels.
It's such a little thing, but it makes me think of CHANGE, and how much changing J and I have both done. From our music to our religious view points, we've changed in many ways big and small. And not always in the same direction (I swear he listens to MORE country than he did ten years ago!)
Change can be scary when not handled right. Roads can deviate too far, and sometimes you find yourself on a completely different path from the person you're supposed to be walking beside.
It takes work to walk the same path, when your interests are changing. It's not as easy to find something to talk about or something fun to do when you want to shop, and he wants to play video games. It takes work.
It can be so easy to go your own way, and to let laziness set it. It's easy to limit your conversations to the kids, work, bills. It's less easy to embrace your changes, and use them to grow together.
Keys to strengthening your marriage when you're changing:
- Give a Little. Maybe he loves video games. Maybe you don't. Find a way to make it work. For us, I found a part of the games that I was good at, and looked for a few games with story lines I could at least tolerate. Now, when he plays one of those games, I have specific 'jobs' that allow me to interact and discuss the game with him. For example, the Fall Out series has a part where you have to hack into a password locked computer. I excel at this. Every time he comes to this part, even though he can do it himself, he calls my attention to it, so I can participate.
- Take a Little. When J and I got together, he wasn't a huge baseball fan. I was. He gave in and went to a few games with me. Now, even though he doesn't enjoy it as much as I do, he does enjoy them, and baseball has become something we can share.
- Compromise. I'm not a huge fan of actually going to a movie. Sitting still that long, around that many people, is not my thing. I AM a fan of horror films, sports movies, and superhero flicks. We compromise: We go to those types of movies together. The ones I'm less interested in, he goes to along. This lets me be just as excited about the movie experience as he is.
- Give it a Try. Just like baseball, there are many things that one of us, or the other, has learned to enjoy just because we've done it a few times. Sometimes, familiarity breeds contentment.
- Do it for Love. I hate video game shopping. He hates shoe shopping. We love each other. So, sometimes, we'll go shoe shopping, followed by video game shopping, knowing that, at some point in the process, we will each be bored. Seeing the other one happy tends to over ride the boredom.
- Look for things to Talk about. There HAS to be common ground. We don't share shopping and video games, but we do share an interest in religion, so one or the other of us is always looking at articles on religion, new books, etc. This allows us to have conversations that don't revolve around home, work, or money.
- Embrace your Changes. Sometimes, because of our mutual interest in religion, we have differing opinions. We don't fight that - we embrace it. A good, well-thought-out, intelligent debate between intelligent, open-minded individuals is fun and stimulating, in lots of ways! Some keys to making this work:
Growing apart isn't always a bad thing. It can make you stronger. Tree branches grow apart, but they thrive because the roots are firmly planted together.
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