The Trick to Getting the Most Out Of Your Halloween Costumes

Halloween is my favorite holiday, but with four (and sometimes six) kids, costumes can get EXPENSIVE!  Luckily, I’ve learned how to turn Halloween costumes from an expensive, commercialized trick into a year long treat for the children and my pocket book!

Costumes tend to be costly, particularly for what you get in return for your hard earned dollars. A $20-25 costume is often little more than cheap, thin cloth that ties or Velcros at the neck and back. It can’t be washed, tears easily, and provides little warmth on Halloween night, and less usage after.  With a little creativity and ingenuity, however, you can get months of wear from a higher quality costume for the same relative cost.

Here are my best tips for extending costume wear:

1. Use actual clothing in the creation of your costume.  For example, Cady was a scarecrow for her first Halloween!  Using yellow felt, cut in to fringe, and washable craft glue, I glued felt into the cuffs of a pair of jeans and a plaid button up shirt from the baby boy’s department. I added fake patches on the knees and elbows using colored felt and craft glue. Some exaggerated red cheeks and yellow hair paint in her hair, and she was an adorable scare crow. After Halloween, I removed the patches and ‘draw’, washed out the glue, and used the warm outfit throughout the winter.

I’ve done the same for other costumes: a hoodie and sweatpants with felt ‘spikes’ and a tail make an excellent dinosaur. A pink skirt, pink tights, red shirt, pink ears and tail, paired with pink face paint and hairspray make an excellent pepper pig. Pink sweats and a Fluttershy Hoodie make an adorable My Little Pony, and that hoodie will be one from October to May (or blue sweats and a rainbow dash ball cap for Rainbow Dash)! A striped shirt and skirt  plus black and white face paint makes an adorable zebra, plus provides clothes that can be re-worn time and again.

We’ve used this technique for Toothless the dragon, the Heathers from Heathers (often we’ll all pick a theme and go as something from the theme! Great fun!),  countless cats, dogs, and witches, zebras, devils, a cheerleader, and literary characters.  This year, Punkie is using this costume method to play a Possessed Child in a local Haunted Forest attraction!

2. Onesie Pajamas.

These may be the most loved costumes of any as far as my kids are concerned! Pikachu is the favorite, but rainbow dash and elephant are used often too. (Rainbow Dash is the only PJs Cady wears!)
Available at Walmart and target, as well as amazon, these full body fleece pajamas come as favorite characters, including hoods. A little face paint and you’re ready to go.  Best of all, they’re warm and comfortable, and as they tend to run large and are supposed to be baggy, last for years.  All four of my girls have used theirs are pajamas and lounge wear for going on 3 years now, meaning I spent $25 each on four costumes that have been worn hundreds of times!

Regular pajamas work as well! Cady was the cutest “skelebaby” ever, and those jammies kept her warm many nights!

With either option one or two, proper make up and accessories make the costume work. Personally, the spray-able hair paint is key, and proper make up is essential. I prefer actual makeup, like Wet n Wild’s Fantasy collection, over Halloween grease paint. The Paint Pots are fantastic under or over foundation, or all by themselves, and I’m obsessed with the multi stick! It lasts through the night, looks better, and is better for the skin! 

3. High quality costumes.

For those characters that they are obsessed with and already play pretend as often, I don’t mind spending a little money on a high quality, real cloth costume. This privilege is reserved  for Absolute Favorite Characters, however, and never used for generics like “policeman”, “cute puppy”, or “mermaid”. The year that How to Train Your Dragon 2 came out, we splurged and spent $45 on an Astrid costume for Punkie. She’d gone as Toothless the year before (using the same technique as I mentioned for a dinosaur costume, but with wings added and eyes painted onto a black hoodie) and we knew she’d wear it often. She played as Astrid until the costume no longer fit, then gave it to her little sister. Definitely worth $45 for the two years we got out of it!

I use these techniques for myself as well!  Since I'm a photographer, I've bought dresses, high quality costumes, and more for photoshoots that are used several times a year.  My steam punk dress doubles as a pirate dress, and the corsets and petticoats I bought to shoot pinup have been used for pinup, burlesque, and other shoots, and in addition to using the costumes for multiple shoots, I've personally worn everything in my costume closet to various events through out the year!

Additionally, buying items after Halloween like hats, makeup, cloaks and capes, and other accessories allow you to get the pieces that turn next year's sweats or skirt into a ninja or cowboy costume at 75% - 90% off!

With a little creativity and planning, plus some makeup and craft supplies, you can get the most bang for your costume buck, and ensure that your costumes are used throughout the year!

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Kavanaugh, Cosby, and Your Kids

I had promised myself that I wouldn't post another blog until I had something happy or uplifting to write (there are a few waiting in the wings that I haven't posted because they don't meet this requirement).  My goal is never to depress my readers, but to engage and offer optimism at the very least.

I'm breaking that promise.  

The current news cycle, focusing heavily on Judge Brett Kavanaugh (and to a lesser extent the sentencing of Bill Cosby) has brought some thing very important to my attention, and so I feel I must address it. 

Let me begin by saying that, no matter where you stand on Kavanaugh (or Cosby), whether you believe him or his attacker, there are lessons that you, as a parent, sibling, friend, aunt, uncle, or spouse need to learn.  

All week long, at work, in conversation, and on social media, I've encountered the same questions and comments:

• "Why did she wait so long?"
• "It's a conspiracy to take down a good man."
• "His life will be ruined."
• "His good reputation/the good he's done in the world will be tarnished."
• "Why now?"
• "She has no proof"
• "Look at all the people who are speaking on his behalf."
• "She's lying"
• "Why was she at his house/his hotel/a party/there with so many boys?"
• "She was drinking/on drugs. She took the beer/Quaalude.  Am I going to be accused of rape every time I have 'faded' sex?"
• "Why can't she remember who was there/how she got home/other details."

You may have even asked these questions yourself.  You may even think they are completely valid questions. But these questions may be the reason your child or loved one never tells you about their assault.

Let's look at some statistics:

• One in three women experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact violence in their lifetime
• One in six men experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact  or violence in their lifetime
• Up to 30% of victims of unwanted sexual contact or violence experience it before age 18. 
• LESS THAN 40% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported. 
• Only  between 2% and 10% of rape accusations are false. (the most accepted number is 8%)

To break that down, according to the FBI, in 2017, 135,755 rapes were reported. At the high end, 40%, that means that potentially 339,387 rapes occurred. 203632 were UNREPORTED.   Additionally, 33% of women and 16% of men have experienced sexual assault, and 30% before 18.  That means that if you know 9 women, 3 of them have experienced sexual violence, and 1 of them was a child.  That also means there is a 16% chance your daughter will experience it before age 18, and 33% chance it will happen in her life time. There is a 16% your son will experience unwanted sexual contact in his lifetime, possibly as a child.

What you are saying now will determine if your child comes to you when this happens.  You are setting the expectation of if you will believe them, and if you do, if you will blame them.

If your child sees your posts blaming a woman for her rape because she was at a party, or drinking,  will they feel comfortable coming to you and telling you they were assaulted at a party?

If your loved one hears you say repeatedly that women who report are liars, will they think you will believe them?  If you view every story with doubt, how will they trust you not to doubt them?

If  you consistently talk about the accused's reputation, good standing, or bright future, how will your child be comfortable telling you about the "good Christian", the "pillar of the community", that has terrorized them?

If someone is discredited because they waited too long to report, what incentive is there for the adults in your life to open up to you about their own long buried trauma?

If you label every missing detail as a sign of dishonesty, how will they share their story, which their own PTSD has left full of holes, with you?

The only pain greater than assault is the pain of not being believed, or of those you love simply not caring.

I am not advising you to form a death squad every time an accusation is made - "Innocent until proven guilty" in a benchmark of our legal system.  

I am advising you to change your way of speaking about sexual assault. I am asking you to consider all possibilities, to always be open to an investigation, and to, above all, to listen before you speak, even when what you are hearing makes you uncomfortable. Hold your disbelief.  

When you listen to the stories of others, with the intent to understand, you show your loved ones that you are willing to listen to them as well, when they are ready to tell you. 

If you have been a victim of attempted or completed sexual violence, or assault, there are people who believe you.  Please contact Rainn to speak to someone via confidential chat at https://www.rainn.org/ or via phone at 800.656.4673.  

You are loved. You are believed. This is not your fault. 

Links: 

http://nwvu.org/2018-sexual-assault-awareness-month-statistics-and-theme/

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-news-number-rapes-reported-rises-20180924-story.html

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Combatting Stress

It’s been an especially long time since my last post, and we’ve been through what seems like a million changes, but the one thing that is alike for both non-parents and parents of all types- biological parent, adopted parents, kinship parents, grandparents, and everyone in between- has inspired tonight’s post.

Stress. We all feel it. Whether it’s financial worries, a term paper, a past approaching deadline at work, or the myriad of stresses that tiny humans bring, it seems that it’s always hanging around.

Due to mental health project I’ve been working on, stress has been on my mind lately.  Not just the causes of stress, which are many, but the physical and mental implications, and how to decrease stress’s impact as well.

In small doses, stress can actually be beneficial to us. According to a 2014 article by ulifeline.org, stress can boost the immune system to help prevent infection, help improve focus to help us knock out a big project, or help improve memory.  Unfortunately, stress never seems to show up in “small doses”.

Unfortunately, stress seldom shows up in small doses.  In larger doses, stress can negatively impact our health, causing higher blood pressure, immune problems, and long term heart damage.   It's important to control our stress levels in order to minimize long term physical and mental health repercussions.

One of the most important traits we can achieve is self-awareness. By obtaining the ability to be self-aware, we can protect ourselves against physical and mental health concerns, including stress.  By recognizing our stress triggers, we can attempt to avoid them.  I use a journal page, which I'll be releasing soon, to track my moods and possible stressors.  You can easily do the same in an app, on a calendar, or in your diary.

For stress that cannot be avoided, there are steps we can take to minimize its impact.   According to WebMD, the following tips might help you in reducing stress:
1. Meditate
2. Breathe Deeply
3. Be present
4. Reach Out to others
5. Tune in to Your Body
6. Decompress with warm towels, massage, etc.
7. Laugh
8. Listen to music
9. Exercise
10. Count your blessings

I would add a few other suggestions to that list:
1. Splurge a little
It doesn't need to be expensive, but a small splurge can lift your spirits.  For me, a Pumpkin Spice Latte does the trick.  Maybe a new nail color, or a paperback book would be the boost you need.
2. Surround yourself with relaxing smells.
Again, pumpkin spice is an instantaneous relaxant for me. Vanilla helps.  I especially like to add those scents to …
3. A warm bath.
A warm bubble bath helps relax the muscles and decompress after a long day.  With some Epson salt, low lights or candles, and a cup of tea or coffee,  and I'm ready to take on the world again!




As I suffer from both Ankylosing Spondylitis, and Borderline Personality Disorder, stress has a very strong effect on both my physical and mental health, so I've made a habit of self-awareness, with the goal of preventing too much stress.  I avoid people and situations that stress me out whenever possible, and when it can't be avoided, I buy myself (or make myself, as I roast my own coffee beans and keep a small supply of flavored creamer on hand) a latte (or a vodka!), run a hot bath, and grab a book or run on my apple music, and take 15-20 minutes to reduce the stress as much as I can.


What stresses you out the most, and what techniques work best to control it? Let me know in the comments below!

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Turning the "Me-Can'ts" into the "I Cans"

Instilling confidence in your kids

Yes, you can!

The little girls are doing glitter-art while I fix lunch. Cay has already unleashed a flood of glitter onto her paper, when all of a sudden, I hear her utter the  dreaded "me-can't".

"Mommy, Me-Can't do it!"

But I know she can, because she's been doing it for several minutes.

Life as a kid is hard!

The Reality of Childhood

Contrary to what we adults would like to believe, childhood isn't a beautiful, worry free existence full  of juice boxes, fingerpaints, and naps (beautiful, glorious naps).  Childhood is hard.  Childhood is full of adventures, and misadventures. It's testing boundaries - physical, mental, and societal.  Childhood includes a lot of trial and errors, bumps and bruises, and lots of failures.
It's learning to walk and falling off bikes, and lots of failures before successes.

Beware the Me-Can'ts !

We have to help them get on the bike again.

With so many bikes to fall off of, so many strikes instead of home runs, so many things to learn and things to be bad at, it can be tempting for a child to stop trying and just say, "Me Can't!"

"I can't solve this problem, it's too hard."
"I can't be her friend, my friends will tease me." 
"I can't say no, or they won't like me."

That's where we, as parents, have to step in, and do our jobs.  We have to teach them how to say, "I can!"

Instilling confidence in our kids is our biggest gift to them.  Confidence enables them to be kind when those around them are being cruel, it enables them to stand their ground and say no when others are saying yes.  It enables them to  get back on the bike. 

How to Turn "Me-Can'ts" into "I Cans"

There are some simple steps to turn those "Me-can'ts" into "I cans".

1. Gauge the situation.  Is this something the child legitimately can do at this stage, or are they being pushed into territory that doesn't allow them success?   It is reasonable to expect the average toddler to pour a bowl of cereal, but not to prepare a 3 course meal.  Set reasonable expectations.   Pushing a child past their actual limits can guarantee failure, and reinforce the idea of "can't".


2. Determine the cause of the  "Can't".  Is your child saying she can't  because she doesn't have the skill, or because she doesn't know how?  Perhaps you can sit with her and give her simple directions and encouragement.  Is he saying he can't because he lacks confidence?  Try doing it together the first time to boost his confidence a little.  Maybe he's scared to try something new.  The Monkey Bars seem high, or he's afraid he might fall off the playground.  Show him why it's safe, or what safety measures there are to keep him from falling. Perhaps she just wants a little attention.  As the parent of 6 children, I am especially guilty of multitasking, which robs the kids of the one on one time they need. Cay, especially, uses "Me-Can't" as a way to get mom's attention. I can usually overcome this "Me-Can't" by sitting with Cay, paying her some extra attention, mixed with extra praise, until her mommy-cup is full, and she is happy to play without me again.





Repeat after me: "This is OK"



3. Allow some room for failure. Accept that there will be mistakes, and let that be ok.  This one was hard for me to learn, especially as the number of children increased.  It was hard for me to accept that my way wasn't the only way.  Once I relaxed and let the kids do things that way, we were all happier.  I realized that it's ok if the glitter snowflakes are messy, if the tie-dye looks more like a mud-pie, and if their hands have more paint than their pictures.  In accepting that, I made it ok for them to be perfectly imperfect.  By allowing failure to happen, kids become less afraid of failure, which gives them more chances to succeed.


4. Reinforce the "Can".  Offer Praise and encouragement.   Celebrate the little successes, so that they have the confidence to go after the big ones.  Remind them of the great job they are doing.


5. Be there for support.  Be there, nearby, to offer encouragement, and a sense of safety, but don't do it for them.  Demonstrate once, then turn it over to them. Doing it for them reinforces the idea that they can't do it, and rewards them for lazy behavior.  It teaches them that, if they can't do it, Mom or Dad will.  This undermines their confidence, as they never have a chance to succeed on their own.

"Mommy, I DID IT!"

"Yes, you can, Cay-Cay," I replied as I stood next to her. "Look how pretty it is!   You're doing a great job!  What color do you want next?"

I opened the purple glitter and watched intently as she worked, until I got the feeling she no longer needed me.

A few minutes later, I heard her call me again, "Mommy, I did it, all by myself!!"

Ahhhh... the blessed "I can".

What do you do to instill confidence and turn your kids' "Me-Can'ts" into "I Cans"?

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Dealing With The State: Who's Your Daddy?

I can feel the tension spreading across my back - always carry tension in my back and shoulders - and the pain from the ensuing muscle spasms makes it hard to breathe. My head hurts. I'm. Emotionally exhausted. I've been reduced to tears of frustration at least once today, and waves of helplessness and hopelessness have crashed over me through out the day.

Fostering, or what ever it is I'm doing, is never easy. There are countless struggles and pitfalls, but none are as debilitating as dealing with The State.


 Dealing with the state is like being tossed in a deep, dark labyrinth. You don't where to turn, there's no one to trust, and some where not too far off, you hear a minotaur.

k

When we got Trey and Chel, we were so focused on doing what was right for the kids, that we rushed in blind. We were told we had only a week to pick them up. We assumed someone from one state or the other would be there to assist us. We didn't have time or money for a lawyer. With weeks, we discovered we'd discovered that this was a huge mistake. We've been punished for it ever since.

Today's ordeal centered around child support, or lack thereof.

Kids Need Structure

Because of Trey's behavioral problems, associated with severe ADHD, he sees a behavioral therapist. Her evaluation is that he needs a structured educational setting, but he's too young for school.




Because Arizona "dropped the ball" (aka didn't give a damn about those kids), they are put under my income, and qualify for none of the assistance foster kids usually get. Arizona has never called to check up on them, never inquired on their progress, never returned a single one of the countless calls placed to them seeking assistance in getting these children the aid they need to grow and become happy and successful. The state of OK finally agreed to place them in day care three days days a week (though the daycare was woefully incapable of assisting them).


ii




Then, this happened.

Who's Your Daddy?

Last month, they sent me letters of "non-compliance" from the Child Support division. I advised that I did not know who the fathers were, and that kids are my niece and nephew, and I hadn't been there for conception.


Apparently, my lack of knowledge was construed as lack of cooperation.
  
I called back to find out how to correct the problem, and was told that they couldn't even find the account because they don't have the father's name!

We've found ourselves back at square one: Making too much money to get into a good Headstart program, which is necessary for controlling Trey's ADHD and ensuring his success in school next year. Making too little money to afford the level of help he needs on our own. Wandering endlessly in this twisting, turning maze, fearing the minotaur.

Have you ever dealt with the state? Do you have experience fostering?

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#SundayFunday: Miniature Bird Houses

A Cute birthday birdhouses

An easy, inexpensive craft project for kids




This inexpensive bird hose and some paint make a great kid's project



Grampy's birthday is next weekend, so we decided to make birthday presents for #SundayFunday.  Gramps is an avid birdwatcher, and a huge Dallas Cowboys fan, so we whipped up some mini birdhouses, in blue, white, and grey.

These birdhouses can be found in Walmart in the craft aisle, or get a dozen in bulk straight to your door from Amazon.   The paints are also available from Walmart or from amazon - we chose patio and outdoor paint.


The project itself was pretty straight forward and easy, so in general, I would let the kids paint them as they pleased, but today, the big kids and I provided slightly more supervision.

Using our Dallas colored paint, we painted our birdhouses appropriate colors.

For an additional personal touch, I painted each kid's hand in a contrasting color, and placed it on the back, side, or roof of the house.

We then allowed the houses to dry.  For houses that will be exposed to the elements, it is suggested that you follow up with a clear coat varnish or protestant.

I'd love to see your completed birdhouses! Share them in the comments below!

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Fits and Tantrums

Today was a rough one.

Most of the day was spent with family, making funeral preparations for my brother-in-law, which carries an expected amount of stress.


The real difficultly was waiting at home.

My nephew, Trey, has some behavioral issues that we are trying address. His ADHD is rather severe, and his outbursts can be difficult at best. We had been making real, measurable progress - to the point that meals and outings in public were real possibilities, and he could be easily redirected when necessary. Some days, I even felt confident enough to take several of the children shopping by myself.

This winning streak ended, however, once he started day care. There are days now that I fear I may have to quit my job and stay home with him, which is not only fiscally impossible, but would result in me being a horrible bitch. Though I know this confession will being a torrent of mom-judging raining down on me, I will admit it: I hate being at home 24/7. I'm a terrible cook, a terrible housekeeper, and having a dream to chase keeps me breathing.

Trey is actually a wonderful child. He is big hearted, happy, and eager to please. I love him dearly and unconditionally, but the word unconditionally in and of itself implies a struggle to overcome.  His outbursts often escalate to the point when physical restraint is warranted. We work with a behavioral specialist weekly, utilizing play therapy, redirection, and other methods. Some days are better than others.  His behavioral therapists suggest highly structured, regulated class time. Headstart is the least regulated environment they suggest. Unfortunately, due to mishandling of their case by Arizona, he doesn't qualify for the program, and my income exceeds guidelines; we're stuck in limbo, unable to provide the help he needs.

Which brings us back to today. Today, Trey's meltdowns were horrendous. Between 5:00 and 6:15, we had no less than 5 meltdowns. There was kicking and screaming, throwing himself on the floor, hitting, throwing things, throwing things at people... there were timeouts, grounding exercises, removal from the room.... nothing worked.

Today, bath and bedtime couldn't come soon enough.

How do you handle tantrums and meltdowns?

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Jada Pinkett Smith Is My Parenting Spirit Animal

Why I Mom-Stalk Jada.

I love Jada Pinkett Smith. I mom-stalk her.  I lap up everything she says about parenting, mothering, marriage, like a kitten laps milk. She speaks to me. I swear, she's my spirit animal.

But...her kids are so weird....

I see this a lot on social media,  on other blogs .... people

Not my Meme.

don't get Jaden and Willow. They talk about time travel, they cross dress, they shave their heads. 

This is what Jada does best. She allows her children to exist, to experiment, and to be themselves, regardless of what the world seems to think. (For the record, I think that her kids are often misunderstood and misrepresented by the media, but perhaps this is because my own kids are 'weird'.)

A Little Support Here?

I fell in mom-love with Jada when Willow shaved her head. 

I know what you're thinking: "What!?! She let her kid shave her head, like Crazy Britney, and you're OK with that?!?"

No, I'm not OK with it. I love it.  I was the kid in school who cut her hair for a school play, who once lopped off 14 inches of hair because I was bored. I've always felt that it's just hair.

When my 5 yr old wanted to put red streaks in her hair, I was all for it. I thought, "It's just hair, and furthermore, it's HER hair, not mine."

But everyone else thought I was crazy. I started to second guess myself.

Then Jada said this about Willow's hair. And I thought, "Hey, I'm not wrong about this! Finally, a little support!"  Punk has added a new color to her hair every time I dye mine (which is a lot), and she's thrilled, everyone has gotten used to it, and she learned that her body, and her choices matter.

When my nephew decides to wear his cousin's Anna Costume to play Frozen with the girls, and I don't freak out, I know Jada would agree. When people in Walmart give me dirty looks for telling the kids there are no girls' toys or boys' toys, there are just toys, or there are no boy's colors or girl's colors, there are just colors, I know Jada would have my back. 

Finding balance

The video at the top of this post is old -2012- but the

My spirit-animal looks amazing here.

message holds true, and is one that a lot of people need to hear even today.  Thanks, Jada. Thanks for reminding us that we matter, we have the right to be happy, and that in being happy, fulfilled, and complete, we become better mothers, better wives, and better people.

Who is your parenting spirit animal? Shout it out in the comments below.

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