I'm breaking that promise.
The current news cycle, focusing heavily on Judge Brett Kavanaugh (and to a lesser extent the sentencing of Bill Cosby) has brought some thing very important to my attention, and so I feel I must address it.
Let me begin by saying that, no matter where you stand on Kavanaugh (or Cosby), whether you believe him or his attacker, there are lessons that you, as a parent, sibling, friend, aunt, uncle, or spouse need to learn.
All week long, at work, in conversation, and on social media, I've encountered the same questions and comments:
- "Why did she wait so long?"
- "It's a conspiracy to take down a good man."
- "His life will be ruined."
- "His good reputation/the good he's done in the world will be tarnished."
- "Why now?"
- "She has no proof"
- "Look at all the people who are speaking on his behalf."
- "She's lying"
- "Why was she at his house/his hotel/a party/there with so many boys?"
- "She was drinking/on drugs. She took the beer/Quaalude. Am I going to be accused of rape every time I have 'faded' sex?"
- "Why can't she remember who was there/how she got home/other details."
You may have even asked these questions yourself. You may even think they are completely valid questions. But these questions may be the reason your child or loved one never tells you about their assault.
Let's look at some statistics:
- One in three women experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact violence in their lifetime
- One in six men experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact or violence in their lifetime
- Up to 30% of victims of unwanted sexual contact or violence experience it before age 18.
- LESS THAN 40% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported.
- Only between 2% and 10% of rape accusations are false. (the most accepted number is 8%)
To break that down, according to the FBI, in 2017, 135,755 rapes were reported. At the high end, 40%, that means that potentially 339,387 rapes occurred. 203632 were UNREPORTED. Additionally, 33% of women and 16% of men have experienced sexual assault, and 30% before 18. That means that if you know 9 women, 3 of them have experienced sexual violence, and 1 of them was a child. That also means there is a 16% chance your daughter will experience it before age 18, and 33% chance it will happen in her life time. There is a 16% your son will experience unwanted sexual contact in his lifetime, possibly as a child.
What you are saying now will determine if your child comes to you when this happens. You are setting the expectation of if you will believe them, and if you do, if you will blame them.
If your child sees your posts blaming a woman for her rape because she was at a party, or drinking, will they feel comfortable coming to you and telling you they were assaulted at a party?
If your loved one hears you say repeatedly that women who report are liars, will they think you will believe them? If you view every story with doubt, how will they trust you not to doubt them?
If you consistently talk about the accused's reputation, good standing, or bright future, how will your child be comfortable telling you about the "good Christian", the "pillar of the community", that has terrorized them?
If someone is discredited because they waited too long to report, what incentive is there for the adults in your life to open up to you about their own long buried trauma?
If you label every missing detail as a sign of dishonesty, how will they share their story, which their own PTSD has left full of holes, with you?
The only pain greater than assault is the pain of not being believed, or of those you love simply not caring.
I am not advising you to form a death squad every time an accusation is made - "Innocent until proven guilty" in a benchmark of our legal system.
I am advising you to change your way of speaking about sexual assault. I am asking you to consider all possibilities, to always be open to an investigation, and to, above all, to listen before you speak, even when what you are hearing makes you uncomfortable. Hold your disbelief.
When you listen to the stories of others, with the intent to understand, you show your loved ones that you are willing to listen to them as well, when they are ready to tell you.
If you have been a victim of attempted or completed sexual violence, or assault, there are people who believe you. Please contact Rainn to speak to someone via confidential chat at https://www.rainn.org/ or via phone at 800.656.4673.
You are loved. You are believed. This is not your fault.
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