Turning the "Me-Can'ts" into the "I Cans"

Instilling confidence in your kids

Yes, you can!

The little girls are doing glitter-art while I fix lunch. Cay has already unleashed a flood of glitter onto her paper, when all of a sudden, I hear her utter the  dreaded "me-can't".

"Mommy, Me-Can't do it!"

But I know she can, because she's been doing it for several minutes.

Life as a kid is hard!

The Reality of Childhood

Contrary to what we adults would like to believe, childhood isn't a beautiful, worry free existence full  of juice boxes, fingerpaints, and naps (beautiful, glorious naps).  Childhood is hard.  Childhood is full of adventures, and misadventures. It's testing boundaries - physical, mental, and societal.  Childhood includes a lot of trial and errors, bumps and bruises, and lots of failures.
It's learning to walk and falling off bikes, and lots of failures before successes.

Beware the Me-Can'ts !

We have to help them get on the bike again.

With so many bikes to fall off of, so many strikes instead of home runs, so many things to learn and things to be bad at, it can be tempting for a child to stop trying and just say, "Me Can't!"

"I can't solve this problem, it's too hard."
"I can't be her friend, my friends will tease me." 
"I can't say no, or they won't like me."

That's where we, as parents, have to step in, and do our jobs.  We have to teach them how to say, "I can!"

Instilling confidence in our kids is our biggest gift to them.  Confidence enables them to be kind when those around them are being cruel, it enables them to stand their ground and say no when others are saying yes.  It enables them to  get back on the bike. 

How to Turn "Me-Can'ts" into "I Cans"

There are some simple steps to turn those "Me-can'ts" into "I cans".

1. Gauge the situation.  Is this something the child legitimately can do at this stage, or are they being pushed into territory that doesn't allow them success?   It is reasonable to expect the average toddler to pour a bowl of cereal, but not to prepare a 3 course meal.  Set reasonable expectations.   Pushing a child past their actual limits can guarantee failure, and reinforce the idea of "can't".


2. Determine the cause of the  "Can't".  Is your child saying she can't  because she doesn't have the skill, or because she doesn't know how?  Perhaps you can sit with her and give her simple directions and encouragement.  Is he saying he can't because he lacks confidence?  Try doing it together the first time to boost his confidence a little.  Maybe he's scared to try something new.  The Monkey Bars seem high, or he's afraid he might fall off the playground.  Show him why it's safe, or what safety measures there are to keep him from falling. Perhaps she just wants a little attention.  As the parent of 6 children, I am especially guilty of multitasking, which robs the kids of the one on one time they need. Cay, especially, uses "Me-Can't" as a way to get mom's attention. I can usually overcome this "Me-Can't" by sitting with Cay, paying her some extra attention, mixed with extra praise, until her mommy-cup is full, and she is happy to play without me again.





Repeat after me: "This is OK"



3. Allow some room for failure. Accept that there will be mistakes, and let that be ok.  This one was hard for me to learn, especially as the number of children increased.  It was hard for me to accept that my way wasn't the only way.  Once I relaxed and let the kids do things that way, we were all happier.  I realized that it's ok if the glitter snowflakes are messy, if the tie-dye looks more like a mud-pie, and if their hands have more paint than their pictures.  In accepting that, I made it ok for them to be perfectly imperfect.  By allowing failure to happen, kids become less afraid of failure, which gives them more chances to succeed.


4. Reinforce the "Can".  Offer Praise and encouragement.   Celebrate the little successes, so that they have the confidence to go after the big ones.  Remind them of the great job they are doing.


5. Be there for support.  Be there, nearby, to offer encouragement, and a sense of safety, but don't do it for them.  Demonstrate once, then turn it over to them. Doing it for them reinforces the idea that they can't do it, and rewards them for lazy behavior.  It teaches them that, if they can't do it, Mom or Dad will.  This undermines their confidence, as they never have a chance to succeed on their own.

"Mommy, I DID IT!"

"Yes, you can, Cay-Cay," I replied as I stood next to her. "Look how pretty it is!   You're doing a great job!  What color do you want next?"

I opened the purple glitter and watched intently as she worked, until I got the feeling she no longer needed me.

A few minutes later, I heard her call me again, "Mommy, I did it, all by myself!!"

Ahhhh... the blessed "I can".

What do you do to instill confidence and turn your kids' "Me-Can'ts" into "I Cans"?